


why I chose you [jovente]

by mujiwastesink



Category: Bayaniserye - Fandom, Goyo: Ang Batang Heneral (2018), Philippine History Cinematic Universe
Genre: 34 excuses we make for Failing at love, Cheating, Daddy Issues, Emotional Abuse, Jovember, Jovente, M/M, Poetry, Warsan Shire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-16 17:06:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16499351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mujiwastesink/pseuds/mujiwastesink
Summary: I'll tell you all my best lies, Vicente. I knew you'd leave me eventually, just like everyone does, but I didn't want you to.





	why I chose you [jovente]

**Author's Note:**

> This is an official entry to Twitter's #JOVEMBER2018! For day 3, the theme is "heartbreak", so here it is! If you want to join the activity, go to @Jovember2018 to learn the mechanics. ♡
> 
> Bold Italics are excerpts from Warsan Shire's "34 Excuses We Make For Failing At Love".

_**I'm lonely so I do lonely things.**_  
  
"Joven, nakita kita kaninang nag-iisa sa karaoke," you noted. "Next time, isama mo ako, ha?"  
  
And there it was. There was where it all started. That was when I thought I don't have to be lonely anymore, because at least I'd have someone to call when I'm doing all these things on my own.  
  
**_You made the nomad in me build a home and stay._**  
  
"Hindi na ba kayo friends nina Feli?" you asked.  
  
"Ah, hindi na eh. Hindi lang talaga ako siguro yung tipong kaibigan na for keeps. Hahaha."  
  
"Don't worry, Joven! Hindi kita i-uunfriend!"  
  
"Wag kang magsalita ng tapos, Enriquez," I warned. "Hindi mo pa ako lubusang kilala."  
  
"Edi kikilalanin."  
  
Okay. I'll tell you all my best lies, Vicente. I knew you'd leave me eventually, just like everyone does, but I didn't want you to.  
  
**_He knows all my secrets and still wants to kiss me._**  
  
"Good morning, best friend!" I felt you throw your hands around my shoulder. "Or should I say, future boyfriend?"  
  
"Sure ka na ba talaga na liligawan mo ako, Enteng? Pagkatapos ng lahat ng nalaman mo?"  
  
"Oo, Joven. Wala akong pakialam sa mga ginawa mo sa nakaraan. Sa totoo nga, hindi naman masama ang iba sa mga yun. Masyado ka lang nag-ooverthink!"  
  
"Well, siguro nga."  
  
I wanted to believe you. Heck, part of me already did.  
  
_**My dad walked out one afternoon and never came back.**_  
  
"Hindi naman sa minamadali kita, Joven. Kaya lang... anim na buwan na kitang nililigawan. Wala ka pa bang sagot?"  
  
"Enteng... kahit gaano na ako ka-attached sa'yo... Alam mo naman di'ba? Yung tungkol sa trust issues ko sa mga lalaki."  
  
"Naiintindihan ko naman, Joven. I'm not forcing you," you assured me and pulled me close. "I'll never get tired of waiting. I just asked you because... I wanted to make sure if may hinihintay pa ako."  
  
**_Forgive me, I was lonely so I chose you._**  
  
Looking at it now, I've had my share of responsibility in things ending up this way.  
  
I guess I did give you a half-hearted "yes".  
  
_**I can't sleep because I can still taste him in my mouth.**_  
  
The beginning of our relationship was like heaven. The hugs, the kisses, the long nights when our skins felt like one. You were everything that made sense. My world finally didn't revolve around myself anymore.  
  
You aqcuainted me with new kinds of highs, Vicente.  
  
**_His heart wasn't as beautiful as his smile._**  
  
"Classmate ko lang yun, I swear!" he says. "I'd never do that to you, Joven. I promised you that."  
  
You fucking liar.  
  
"Hey, come on." You took my hands and kissed them one-by-one. "Give me a smile."  
  
No. I can't. Not right now.  
  
So you smiled. And so I did, too.  
  
_**He sent me a text that said, "I love you so bad".**_  
  
You meant it literally.  
  
**_I was still lonely so I did even lonelier things._**  
  
"Babe, nasaan ka?" you asked through the phone.  
  
"Nasa grocery lang, babe."  
  
"Napag-utusan ka ba ng mommy mo? Hahaha."  
  
"No, I volunteered," I gripped the shopping cart's handle as I lied. I wasn't here to buy anything. I was here to surround myself with strangers.  
  
At least, in this grocery store, I'm allowed to cry without anyone asking me why.  
  
_**It's not that he wants to be a liar, it's just that he doesn't know the truth.**_  
  
"Nasan ka?" I held back the tears as I tried to calmly ask you through the phone. I can see your beautiful figure through the transparent wall, my love.  
  
And you had company.  
  
"Nasa bahay lang, Babe, bakit?"  
  
"Nothing," I answered as I leaned my head back in the driver's seat. I stare at the restaurant's mascot. The way it looked so silly as it danced could never rival the foolishness of what I'd say next.  
  
"Na-miss lang kita agad. I love you, Vicente Enriquez."  
  
"Mas mahal kita, Joven Hernando."  
  
**_You're a ghost town I'm too patriotic to leave._**  
  
"Namiss mo ako agad, yun ba?" Your arms familiarly snaked their way into embracing me. I feel your body push me back to the wall and our lips crashed together like they always do.  
  
The way of how mundane this is. The familiarity. You are the missing piece to my puzzle, Vicente. No matter what other piece you attach yourself with, I'm the only picture you'll ever be a part of.  
  
**_I had to leave, I felt lonely when he held me._**  
  
But as I feel you pull out of me, I also feel the familiar feeling of dissatisfaction. Not necessarily wanting anything more, just that... I didn't feel contented with this anymore. There's a difference.  
  
"Oh, ba't parang hindi ka nag-enjoy?" you ask as you wrapped your arms around me.  
  
"No, I did. You were great." I plant a kiss on your head and close my eyes.  
  
Sometimes I wish I never knew the truth.  
  
**_I cut him out at the root. He was my favorite tree, rotting, threatening the foundations of my home._**  
  
"Joven, why would you do this?" You asked as you stood in the middle of your stuff I threw away from our apartment. After an excruciating three years, this is less than what you deserve.  
  
"Hindi ko na kaya, Vicente. I held on to your promises too long."  
  
"I still mean them, Joven! Please, hayaan mo akong bumawi! Isipin mo naman ang sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon!"  
  
"Inisip mo ba ako, Vicente?"  
  
"I... I--"  
  
"Mahal kita, Vicente. Sobrang mahal. Pero... hindi ako aso. Hindi ko hahayaan ang sarili ko na manatili kahit ilang beses mo akong saktan."  
  
"Joven..."  
  
"Please... umalis ka na."  
  
He needs to leave. Now. Because I know my foolish myself too well. And if he stayed a bit longer, I know I'd still love him enough to give him another chance.  
  
But thankfully, he left.  
  
**_Loving you was like going to war; I never came back the same._**  
  
"You're fired," I say sternly and watched the employee break down on the floor.  
  
The stupid woman, she walked out in the middle of her busy schedule and piled up paperworks because her boyfriend was outside with flowers; but were not given for her. In the few seconds she left, we lost a deal with a big-time investor.  
  
Romance... love... those are all bullshit. It makes you do the most foolish of things and you end up not only hurting yourself, but others in the process.  
  
I swore out that feeling from my body a long time ago, and look where I am now.  
  
I'm a cliche.  
  
"Siguro po, kung magmahal kayo, maiintindihan niyo ang naramdaman ko kahapon," she tearily pointed out.  
  
**_I belong deeply to myself._**  
  
"Siguro, iha, kung may pagpapahalaga ka sa sarili mo, mararating niyo ang narating ko balang araw."  
  
_The End_.


End file.
